On Emotions

One of this week’s assignments for a course that I’m taking was to track my emotions. What a fascinating and insightful journey! I really thought I had a pretty good handle on how I process emotions but it turns out I was only scratching the surface of what really goes on.

My first observation is how my emotions are entangled with my thoughts. There is a sense of clouds of thoughts and emotions flitting across the sky. Nothing seems to stay for long and only a small amount actually sticks. My belief that social media and how we communicate is causing us to have trouble staying on task and able to concentrate really showed itself this week. Even the thoughts that I felt were worth hanging onto tended to drift away if I didn’t have pen and paper handy to jot them down or my phone nearby to create a note. That, in itself, leads to another observation. Making notes on my phone is a great idea however my phone will then lead to being sidetracked, distracted, pulled somewhere completely different and the thought vanishes.

Back to emotions! Many emotions are ordinary, brief and not needing any deep thought, interpretation or analysis. Smiling at the antics of the birds at the bird feeder and feeling amusement; being aware of how I feel and acknowledging the moment really makes a difference. So many of those moments come and go so fast that we almost miss them. I struggle to find joy so pausing with these emotions was really important and insightful for me. I’m actually feeling more happiness and contentment than I’d realized. Definitely one for the plus side and something to keep on paying attention to.

Then there are the emotions that are more in your face. Getting pissed off at having to wait in line, or because the light is taking so long to change, or because the person in front of you is going way too slow for your liking. Instead of just being pissed off I actually paid attention to the emotion and what was behind it. Many times it was linked to other things in my day that had left me feeling off balance, rushed, or out of sorts and this was the final straw to push me over into being pissed off. By acknowledging the steps that led to the current emotion as well as feeling deeply into the emotion itself, I was amazed to see that it would shift rapidly and I would find myself in a much happier state of mind.

The big ones were the most fascinating to pay attention to and to work with. These were the situations where something triggered me into a strong emotion such as anger or fear. By tapping into the emotion, being fully present to it, I could see exactly what or who had triggered my response. Instead of shoving it down, ignoring it and moving on, I chose to examine it in great detail. If I was alone I would have a dialog with it, often out loud. If I was with other people I kept the dialog in my head until I felt whether there was anything of note to be said to the other person. That gave me an opportunity to respond from a place of understanding rather than from an emotion that could cause me to say something I might regret later.

What fascinated me the most about the strongest of the emotions, the fear and the anger, was how often it was about personal power. Sometimes it was taken away, sometimes I gave it away, and sometimes it had never been there in the first place. In my internal dialog I would say ‘Absolutely no way am I allowing this to take over’ where ‘this’ was the situation that triggered the emotion, not the emotion itself. I would mentally stamp my feet, even visualize throwing things. It would sometimes progress to ‘How dare you take away my power?’ ‘Nobody has the right to take away my power!’ I would then tell myself that I was strong, and someone worthy of sticking up for myself. I reminded myself that I have rights and feelings that others are not permitted to violate. That led to the realization that often others aren’t aware that they are taking your power. Maybe they’re having a bad day and you happen to be the easiest person to lash out at. Maybe they are carrying a burden so great that it unknowingly rubs off on others. Maybe they are there to teach you a lesson about standing in your own power, taking back your identity and self-worth.

There’s also the whole complicated issue of being both an emotional empath and a Reflector in Human Design terms. I was born tuned into the emotions of others, born to monitor the room, the community and feel into the inconsistencies. My family life caused me to shut down my emotions at a very early age to prevent total overwhelm. I never learned to tell which emotions were truly mine and which were coming from those around me. I became an emotional chameleon, a shape shifter, matching my energy to that of the person I was with. It kept me invisible not only to others but also to myself. It wasn’t until later in life that I was even aware that I was doing this. I still have to remind myself that not every emotion I feel is mine. The upside of also being a Reflector is that I have what is called a ‘Teflon aura’ which means that the emotions and sensations that I pick up don’t stay with me if they’re not mine. I still connect into them, still feel into them, but when I walk away I can leave them behind as long as I don’t choose to become involved. This is where I have to watch how I mentally process emotions so that they are able to keep on blowing over like the clouds.

How do you process your emotions? Which ones stick with you? Can you change how they affect you by examining them, talking with them? Is there a deeper message for you or something that you need to release or affirm in yourself? Are you standing in your own power? Try paying attention for one week. I guarantee that you will discover things about yourself that were previously hidden. Be your own detective. Above all, keep it fun.

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